About

Why is this blog called "These Are Not My Secrets"?

 
I was a victim of sexual violence. At the time, I told almost no one. The shame and confusion I felt meant that I kept the secret for years. It affected my mental health, my physical health, and my ability to form positive relationships. It is only very recently that I realised: I did nothing wrong. These Are Not My Secrets.

The culture of silence around sexual violence prevents victims from seeking help, and allows perpetrators to commit more of these crimes. I believe that talking openly about sexual violence would be beneficial, both to victims themselves, and to society as a whole.

The full story of my experiences of sexual violence is long, circuitous, and will – eventually – be posted on this blog. Everything I've posted so far is on the My Story page, here. Today, I am happier and more functional than I have ever been, but I am still keenly aware of the impact that sexual violence, and the associated shame and guilt, has had on my health and wellbeing.
 

What is sexual violence?

 
This definition is from the website of UK charity Rape Crisis:

“Sexual violence is any unwanted sexual act or activity. There are many different kinds of sexual violence, including but not restricted to: rape, sexual assault, child sexual abuse, sexual harassment, rape within marriage/relationships, forced marriage, so-called honour-based violence, female genital mutilation, trafficking, sexual exploitation, and ritual abuse. Sexual violence can be perpetrated by a complete stranger, or by someone known and even trusted, such as a friend, colleague, family member, partner or ex-partner. Sexual violence can happen to anyone. No-one ever deserves or asks for it to happen.”
 
The Rape Crisis website is full of valuable information, statistics, and advice.

Don't people talk about sexual violence enough already?

 
Sadly, crimes of sexual violence are committed all over the world, every day. A tiny proportion of these crimes are reported in the news – those deemed particularly newsworthy, perhaps because the victim died, or the perpetrator is a “celebrity”. In our own lives, though, the topic of sexual violence is taboo.

But this stuff is private!

 
I can understand feeling that way. It took ten years for me to tell my mother I was raped. I felt so ashamed; it felt more important than anything to keep it a secret. But why? It was Not My Secret: I did nothing wrong. A crime was committed against me. If your house had been burgled, or you were knocked off your bike by a careless driver, would you feel ashamed? Would you keep that a secret? No. Why should victims of sexual violence keep the secrets of those who commit these crimes?

Why should people talk about sexual violence more?

 
When I was raped, shortly before my 12th birthday, I had no idea what had just happened. Nobody had ever told me what rape was. (I barely knew what sex was!) Had I known, I would have told my parents. My parents would have phoned the police, and the rapist might have been convicted. I would have received the appropriate care for the trauma I had experienced, and maybe I would not be looking back on 18 years of mental and physical health repercussions. I truly doubt that my story is unique, and I believe that if sexual violence were discussed openly, perpetrators would be less able to commit these crimes, and victims would be better able to recover from them.

Additionally, there seems to be enormous confusion in the public consciousness around these topics. Richard Dawkins recently described "stranger rape" as worse than "date rape". I believe this comment comes from a basic misunderstanding of the experience of a victim of sexual violence, and I intend to blog on this very soon. Edit: "Date Rape" - a Working Title available here!

Victim blaming is also prevalent. An old NHS/Home Office poster, which recently came to light, suggested to women that they should "know their limits" and not get drunk, because that might lead to being raped. Putting the onus for preventing rape onto the victims themselves is tantamount to saying "You were raped? That's your own fault." Sexual violence is never the fault of the victim.

What can I do?

 
Stop keeping these secrets! If you have experienced sexual violence, talk about it. Maybe start with a close friend, or call Rape Crisis or The Samaritans (more potentially useful organisations listed here). 

Please "like" the blog's Facebook page, here, and follow the blog on Twitter, here, to get updates of new posts. Shares and retweets also mean the These Are Not My Secrets message gets spread to your friends and followers - I hope you agree that would be a good thing! 

If you would like to share your story anonymously on this blog, email me: thesearenotmysecrets@gmail.com - I'd really appreciate it if you could include your age, gender, and nationality. I'm 30, female, and from the UK. 

And I really appreciate comments. It's lovely to know people are reading, and you can comment completely anonymously.
 

Remember: you did nothing wrong, so you should not feel any guilt or shame.

These are not your secrets.